Running away

Are travellers running away or running towards something? Psychologist and author Emmy Brunner weighs in on the age-old question.

Photo Courtesy of Emmy Brunner

It’s a tale as old as time: the protagonist ends up with a broken heart or a stripped away dream and decides to do the most romanticized action possible: hit the road. They start a new life, in a new town, and reinvent their identity.

With such a popular narrative, it’s no wonder so many people take on this empowering idea and use it as proof that any struggle can be eliminated by simply abandoning it.

We convince ourselves that the true solution is a change in environment, a shift in mindset, embracing our true selves. Just a little leap of faith can lead to a totally new self. And all at the cost of simply running away.

Photography by Jillian Keith

A plotline is as convincing as these are bound to resonate with some people. In fact, it resonates with nearly 80% of all backpackers, according to 38-year-old, London based trauma psychologist Emmy Brunner.

To a certain extent, this method works. Detaching from life and stepping outside of our typical environments is what a lot of people need in order to move on.

“Some people need the opportunity to change everything. It’s not a chance that they would typically allow themselves to have, and when they do return back to their lives, they walk into it re-energized and ready to take on whatever made them run in the first place.

“But, like with everything in life, this strategy has its limits. The problem lies in when and if they stop returning to their lives and facing the discomfort they ran from,” says Brunner.

Photo Courtesy of Emmy Brunner

Discomfort. Everyone wants to feel comfortable. And for some, comfort can be found in the uncertainty of constantly being on the move. “I don’t think all travellers are running away, but when running away becomes easier than staying, that’s when a problem starts to develop. And the most tell-tale sign for me is when running away from it all was easy, to begin with.”

Emmy Brunner, the author of Trauma Redefined and CEO of Europe’s leading specialist outpatient service, The Recover Clinic, has dedicated 15 years of her life to helping people who have experienced trauma. During her time as a psychologist, Brunner has spent lots of time studying the concept of running away.

“I’ve learned that a lot of people are fine with leaving because they aren’t in control at home. When you’re the one leaving, you’re the one in control. You’re calling the shots. You’re choosing your own chaos.”

Brunner describes this unique situation through heartbreak. “When you’re the one breaking your own heart it’s a little bit easier to understand than someone else cracking it open. You become comfortable in this state of constant brokenness because, at the end of the day, it’s easier to handle self-inflicted wounds than those dealt by the sword of others.”

Photography by Jillian Keith

And so, with being alone, the risk of being hurt by others is nearly diminished.

To these people, staying and investing is the most fearsome thing in their lives. Opening up their lives to a situation and/or person that they’re not in control of is terrifying. Especially when there is no guarantee that it will work in your favour.

“People who spend their whole life travelling and running away, never stopping, never going home, tend to be scared of building a life that they can’t escape from. When they are no longer able to leave and protect themselves at any given moment.

"Being emotionally, financially, or personally invested in something that you can’t 110 per cent control. After all, a lot of the time they’ve just gotten out of one they thought for many years to be inescapable.”

These individuals are comfortable with anything that can be solved by clicking a link on the next flight out of town.

Photo Courtesy of Emmy Brunner

“The truth about people who run away and book spontaneous flights aboard is that they are not any more bold, brave, or courageous than those wh

o stay at home and face their problems head-on. They’re just only comfortable when they’re in control.”

“I’ve dealt with a lot of travellers with trauma, and sometimes it takes them years to realize what they’re doing. Some never do.”

Brunner claims that a lot of nomadic travellers even get defensive over the matter. “A lot of them say that they’re running away from what other people feel is the ‘real’ world and avoiding a drab life. That they’re running toward the world and new experiences, people, places, and cultures. That they’re running towards freedom.”

“There’s no doubt in my mind that this could be true. Every person and every situation is different. But, in my experience, this is only a facade for a large number of nomads. A lot of them go into travel young, scared, and unsure of themselves and their place.

Photography by Jillian Keith

"They’re leaving a bad environment or mindset in the past and after a few months grow into confident, happy, and strong individuals through travel. They fear that if they leave this lifestyle behind that they’ll revert to who they were before so they never leave.”

The cure to breaking the cycle is very ironic. It lies in doing the very thing that got them to this point: stepping outside of their comfort zone.

“I’ve found that the best thing to do in order to break the cycle is to stay even when everything in your being tells you to go. This can be very unsettling, but it’s all about breaking what you’re comfortable with.”

“I’ve also found that for those who are unable to settle all at once that adding structure bit by bit helps. Find a job that allows you to travel but requires a home base, or buy a pet. Actions like these create a routine that must be maintained and make it more difficult to just get up and go.”

Photo Courtesy of Emmy Brunner

Life is a balance of staying and going and too much of either one can become an unhealthy habit. “This balance can only really be found through trial and error. Knowing when to stand your ground and when to run. When to leave and start over and when to fight for what you have.”

Brunner believes that this all boils down to our universal primal fear of never being enough. Not being enough if we stay, not being enough if we go, not being enough if you stay somewhere in between.

“Challenging it is the only way to fight this fear. Staring it down and facing that you’re enough whether you stay or go. Refusing to run away when life gets hard. And knowing that everything that you learn along your journey stays with you.

“The truth about people who run away and book spontaneous flights is that they are not any more bold, brave, or courageous than those who stay at home and face their problems head on. They’re just only comfortable when they’re in control.”

“There are better ways to fix your past traumas than running away. Don’t give yourself another rehabilitating thing that holds you back. We can all find peace and balance within ourselves without going to the extremes.”